Attachment Isn’t Just About Relationships—It’s About How We Show Up for Ourselves

Mar 8

We hear about attachment styles everywhere—on social media, in dating advice, and in therapy sessions. Secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized—these labels have become shorthand for how we navigate relationships, how we text back, how we handle conflict, and how we cope with intimacy.

Attachment is often framed as the blueprint for how we love others. But what often gets overlooked is that attachment isn’t just about external relationships. It’s about the relationship we have with ourselves.

The way we were responded to as children—the comfort we received (or didn’t), the way our emotions were handled, the consistency or inconsistency of love—shaped more than just our romantic tendencies. It shaped how we treat our own feelings, how we respond to stress, and whether we view our needs as valid or burdensome.

In many ways, attachment is the foundation of self-love. And for those of us carrying attachment wounds, healing isn’t just about finding healthier relationships—it’s about learning to show up for ourselves in ways we never learned to before.

The First Relationship We Form (And The One We Often Overlook)

Before we ever experience romantic love, before we develop deep friendships, we form our first and most fundamental relationship—the one with ourselves. From birth, we are wired to seek connection. We cry, and hopefully, someone comes. We reach out, and hopefully, someone reaches back. Through these early interactions, we learn what it means to have needs—and whether or not those needs are safe to express.

A securely attached child learns a powerful message:

My needs are not too much.
When I express distress, someone helps me regulate it.
I am worthy of care.

This forms an internal foundation of security. These children grow into adults who can acknowledge their emotions, trust their instincts, and extend self-compassion.

But when care is inconsistent, love is conditional, or emotions are met with indifference, children learn a different lesson:

My needs are inconvenient.
If I show too much, I might be rejected.
I have to handle this alone.

This early experience doesn’t just dictate how we approach relationships later in life. It determines how we relate to ourselves. Do we meet our struggles with kindness or criticism? Do we allow ourselves to feel, or do we shut down? Do we trust our needs, or do we silence them before anyone else can?The Inner Echo of Early Attachment

Attachment doesn’t just show up in relationships; it echoes in our self-talk, our coping mechanisms, and our ability to be with ourselves.

If love felt conditional, we may grow up believing our worth is something to be earned—through success, perfection, or pleasing others.
If emotions were met with irritation or indifference, we might become experts at suppressing our own pain, saying I’m fine even when we’re anything but.
If closeness felt unpredictable, we may crave deep connection but fear it at the same time—pulling people in, then pushing them away the moment it feels too real.

These patterns don’t just influence our relationships. They dictate whether we show up for ourselves with patience or punishment. Whether we listen to our own needs or dismiss them. Whether we practice self-care or self-abandonment.

How Early Attachment Shapes Our Inner World

Attachment wounds don’t just show up in how we love others. They show up in the conversations we have with ourselves—how we handle disappointment, how we respond to failure, and whether we grant ourselves grace or punishment.

If love was conditional, we may believe that we are only lovable when we perform. Achievement, perfectionism, people-pleasing—it becomes our way of proving our worth. We struggle to rest, fearing that if we stop doing, we’ll stop being loved.
If our emotions were dismissed or mocked, we may have learned to suppress them. We become the kind of people who say I’m fine even when we’re breaking inside. Vulnerability feels dangerous, so we turn off our own feelings before anyone else can reject them.
If connection was inconsistent, we may find ourselves craving closeness but fearing it at the same time. Intimacy feels unstable, like something that could disappear at any moment. We pull people in, then push them away before they get the chance to leave us first.

These internal patterns don’t just influence our romantic relationships. They influence the way we show up for ourselves.

Do we comfort ourselves when we’re hurting, or do we criticize ourselves for being “too sensitive”?
Do we allow ourselves to feel exhausted, or do we push through and shame ourselves for not doing enough?
Do we acknowledge our needs, or do we ignore them, convinced that needing something makes us weak?

Our attachment history shapes our ability to self-soothe, our capacity for self-trust, and whether we practice self-care or self-abandonment.

The Cost of Self -Abandonment

One of the most overlooked aspects of attachment wounds is how they lead to self-abandonment.

The anxiously attached often self-abandon by over-focusing on others, neglecting their own needs to gain external validation.
The avoidantly attached self-abandon by dismissing their pain, convincing themselves they don’t need support.
Those with disorganized attachment often feel torn between both—longing for connection yet fearing it, struggling to trust themselves or others.

Self-abandonment can look like:

Minimizing your own struggles because “other people have it worse.”
Overriding your emotions because they feel inconvenient.
Staying in relationships where you feel unseen, just to avoid being alone.
Pushing away love or help because deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of it.

Healing attachment wounds isn’t just about finding a partner who understands you. It’s about learning to stop abandoning yourself.

Healing. Learning to Reattach to Ourselves

Healing attachment wounds isn’t about being “fixed.” It’s about unlearning the ways we’ve rejected our own needs and rewriting our internal dialogue.

For those with anxious attachment:

The work is learning to self-validate instead of relying on external reassurance.
Practicing thoughts like: I am enough, even when no one is affirming me.

For those with avoidant attachment:

The work is allowing yourself to need and feel, instead of shutting emotions down.
Reminding yourself: I don’t have to do this alone. My needs are not a weakness.

For those with disorganized attachment:

The work is finding internal stability, learning that love doesn’t always lead to loss.
Learning that trust can be built, that safety can exist—not just in others, but within yourself.

Healing looks like:

Talking to yourself with compassion, not criticism.
Honoring your needs instead of silencing them.
Learning that emotions aren’t something to “fix”—they’re something to listen to.

The Most Important Attachment of Them All

At the end of the day, the most important attachment we form isn’t with a partner, a friend, or a parent—it’s the one we form with ourselves.

Healing isn’t about erasing old wounds. It’s about learning to show up differently. It’s about rewriting the way we respond to ourselves in moments of struggle.

If you were never comforted, you can learn to comfort yourself now.
If your emotions were dismissed, you can learn to hold space for them now.
If your needs were ignored, you can learn to meet them now.

Because healing attachment wounds isn’t about finding the right person to love you—it’s about learning to love yourself in a way you never have before.

And that relationship? It’s never too late to repair.

Ready to Rebuild the Most Important Relationship—The One With Yourself?

Healing attachment wounds isn’t something you have to do alone. At Turning Point Counseling, we understand that your story is unique, and your healing should be too. Our approach is rooted in helping you reconnect with yourself—whether that means learning to self-soothe, setting boundaries, or unlearning patterns of self-abandonment.

Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about transforming the way you see yourself. We create a safe, supportive space where you can explore, heal, and build a relationship with yourself that feels secure, steady, and whole.

You deserve a connection with yourself that isn’t built on fear or self-doubt—but on trust, compassion, and care. Let’s start that journey together.

📞 Contact us today to find a therapist who truly sees you, supports you, and helps you create the healing experience you deserve.